Max Payne: The Movie - A Review

It all started innocently enough back in '01. Some company named 'Rockstar' put out a video game. It was like playing a cross between the best cliches of pulp detective novels and a combat system right out of the Matrix films. Some crazy fool turned it into a movie, and after seeing it tonight, I came to a few conclusions.

One, the first video game was better than this movie.
Two, this movie was still better than the second video game in the Max Payne series.
Three, a few punches can put Max Payne in a hospital bed, but he can laugh off a shotgun blast to the chest from three feet away.

If you're reading this, all you care about is 'should I bother seeing it or not?'. The short answer is, if you like stuff being shot up reaaaal good, go see it! If you're interested only in seeing Oscar-worthy movies, you'll probably want to skip this one. And for those of you sticking around for my humorous take on the movie...

Max Payne is a man with a past. We know this because we're told exactly that in the first few minutes of the film.

ROOKIE: "Who's that hard-boiled looking fellow at the desk?"
OLD AND WISE DETECTIVE: "He's a man with a past son."
OLD AND WISE DETECTIVE: "Well, actually, we all have pasts, but his is more hard-boiled and full of bad pulp detective novel cliches."
ROOKIE: "Ah."



Max Payne is a man with a mission. His wife and child were ruthlessly murdered, and now he's looking to find the killer that got away. Much like O.J. Simpson, but with less golfing. Managing to shoot two of the three intruders that broke into his house, he notes the fact that they were junkies and proceeds to search for the third one assuming he's the same. In fact, he decides to go Junkie Hunting(TM), walking the subway late at night wearing an expensive watch.

JUNKIE ONE (SWEATING BALLS AND SHAKING, VIALS OF A BLUE DRUG IN HIS POCKET): "Hey man, see that dude with the watch? Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
JUNKIE TWO (NEEDING A FIX AND SHAKING): "He could tell us what time it is?"
JUNKIE ONE: "No you idiot! We could steal the watch, sell it, and get more drugs!"
JUNKIE TWO: "That's a brilliant plan! I have a gun!"
JUNKIE THREE (REALLY, REALLY TRIPPING OUT): "Maaann, what if he has a gun too?"
JUNKIE ONE: "You idiot, law-abiding citizens aren't allowed to have guns here! How do you think we'd survive if they did?!"
JUNKIE TWO: "Let's go fuck this guy up!"

Max Payne wanders into a clean restroom in a subway station. That's how you know that this is HOLLYWOOD and not REAL LIFE. He sets the expensive watch down on the sink and waits. Seconds later, the three junkies burst through the doorway.

JUNKIE ONE: "Hey man, that's a nice watch."
JUNKIE TWO: "Yeah, that watch looks real familiar."
MAX PAYNE: "Yeah, because this is the same watch you pawned earlier today after robbing that person."
JUNKIE THREE: "Holy shit, have you been stalking us?! OMG!! I'd get a restraining order if I wasn't TRIPPING THE FUCK OUT!"
JUNKIE TWO: "Shut up and give me the watch. I have a GUN!"
MAX PAYNE: "That's nice. I have bullet time."
JUNKIE TWO: "WTF?" (STARTS TO SHOOT MAX)

Max Payne moves with amazing speed, disarming the junkie and shooting him. The first junkie jumps under the bathroom stalls to hide. Max Payne starts blowing the stall doors open with a PISTOL that SHOOTS SHOTGUN SHELLS. This is REALLY, REALLY COOL. Max finally corners the junkie in the last stall after BLOWING THE BATHROOM TO HELL AND BACK.

MAX PAYNE: (HOLDING UP PHOTO OF HIS WIFE) "Have you seen this woman?"

JUNKIE ONE: "WTF?! No!"
MAX PAYNE: "Damn."
MAX PAYNE: (POINTING GIANT REVOLVER AT JUNKIE) "BLAM!!"

JUNKIE THREE has run out of the bathroom and is now WALKING IN THE MIDDLE OF THE SUBWAY TUNNEL TRACKS. He is REALLY TRIPPING THE FUCK OUT. He sees WINGED SHADOWS and then he is HIT BY A SUBWAY TRAIN and it LOOKS REALLY PAINFUL.

MAX PAYNE searches for new leads and crashes a drug party being thrown by his former SNITCH.

SNITCH: "Max! WTF are you doing here?! I don't associate with low-class criminals any more! Just the high-class ones that cops don't bust!"
MAX PAYNE (STARTS SENTENCE, BUT IS DISTRACTED BY SLINKY WOMAN): "That's an interesting tattoo" (LOOKING AT WING TATTOO ON HER WRIST)
SLINKY WOMAN: "Interesting pickup line..."
SNITCH: "Max, slinky woman, slinky woman, Max." (RUSHES AWAY)
SLINKY WOMAN: "Hey, why don't we go back to your place and I'll lick your **** until you ****. And then I'll **** your **** so hard that you'll ******** *****."
MAX PAYNE (COMPLETELY OBLIVIOUS): "So you'll tell me more about your tattoo?"
SLINKY WOMAN (ROLLING EYES): "Yes. But I'll have to do it while in your bed and totally nude."
MAX PAYNE: "Ok."

Back at MAX PAYNE'S APARTMENT, we see the SLINKY WOMAN and MAX PAYNE walk into a very utilitarian and depressingly spartan set of rooms.

SLINKY WOMAN (WALKING INTO MAX'S BEDROOM, REMOVING DRESS): "Oh dear. I forgot to wear a bra. Whoops!"

MAX PAYNE walks into his bedroom. The SLINKY WOMAN has managed to loose every slip of clothing and is now only wearing MAX PAYNE'S bedroom sheets. The sheets cover VERY LITTLE.

SLINKY WOMAN: "So what was her name?"
MAX PAYNE: "Huh?"
SLINKY WOMAN: "I'm nude, in your bed, and moaning and you've barely noticed. Obviously you're preoccupied. Tell me her name, you can call me that when we **** and it will be kinky."
MAX PAYNE (VISIBLY UPSET): "Tits? GTFO!"
SLINKY WOMAN (LAUGHING AT MAX): "Ok, whatever, I need another hit of that BLUE DRUG anyway."

The SLINKY WOMAN grabs MAX PAYNE'S WALLET on the way out, walks out into the night and down a dark and abandoned looking alley-way, wearing very little and COMPLETELY ALONE. We know what THIS means.

SLINKY WOMAN (SUDDENLY SEES WINGED SHADOWS): "Oh shit. That last dose must have been stronger than I thought..."
SLINKY WOMAN (SEEING MANY MORE WINGED SHADOWS): "Fuck."
SLINKY WOMAN: "SCREAM!!"

The next day, MAX PAYNE walks into work, but is called over by his FORMER PARTNER before going into the building.

FORMER PARTNER: "Hey, come with me, I've got something you should see."
MAX PAYNE: "Hey, I don't turn tricks any more man."
FORMER PARTNER: "No, I actually do have something you'll find interesting."

MAX PAYNE'S FORMER PARTNER drives him to a CRIME SCENE. There are pieces of SLINKY WOMAN all over the place.

FORMER PARTNER (HOLDING UP MAX PAYNE'S WALLET): "She had this on her. You realize this makes you look really guilty, right?"
MAX PAYNE: "I don't care, it's not like I killed her."
FORMER PARTNER (SLAPPING FOREHEAD): "Wow."
MAX PAYNE: "I hate you. I'm walking back to work."
FORMER PARTNER: "I did everything I could to solve your wife's murder! C'mon!"
MAX PAYNE: "Fuck you." (WALKS BACK TO WORK)

Later that night we see MAX PAYNE'S FORMER PARTNER looking over a new series of JUNKIE murders. He notices a WINGED TATTOO on the wrist of the JUNKIES and has A FLASH OF INSPIRATION. He searches the files from the case for MAX PAYNE'S DEAD WIFE and notices that one of the killers also has the same WINGED TATTOO. He calls MAX PAYNE with excitement, only to get his answering machine. He tells him he's found something new and is coming over. But we know that bad guys have EVERY PHONE LINE tapped, and when MAX PAYNE gets home, he finds his FORMER PARTNER dead. He gets the shit PUNCHED out of him by SOMETHING HE CAN'T SEE and wakes up in the HOSPITAL.

OLDER EX-COP: "Hey Max, good to see you're awake. I've never seen anyone as HARD-BOILED as you being hospitalized from a few punches, but whatever."
MAX PAYNE: "My FORMER PARTNER?"
OLDER EX-COP: "He's dead. The funeral is in a few hours."
MAX PAYNE: "I should go pay my respects."
OLDER EX-COP: "Not in that ratty shirt! I'll give you a new one, but it's over at my office."
MAX PAYNE: "This isn't a pick-up line, is it?"
OLDER EX-COP: "No, I just need to show you that I work for an EVIL PHARMACEUTICAL COMPANY for PLOT PURPOSES."
MAX PAYNE: "Ah."

After touring the EVIL PHARMACEUTICAL COMPANY and getting a NICE SHIRT, MAX PAYNE goes to see the widow of his FORMER PARTNER to pay his respects. She SLAPS him in one of the LEAST CLICHED MOMENTS in this movie, and expresses anger that her husband's death is his fault and NOT THE FAULT OF THE EVIL GUY WHO ACTUALLY MURDERED HIM.

WIDOW: "You bastard!"
WIDOW: "SLAP!"
MAX PAYNE: "WTF??" (LEAVES HOUSE OBVIOUSLY CONFUSED)

MAX PAYNE pumps the OLDER EX-COP for information, as we find out that his DEAD WIFE worked at the same EVIL PHARMACEUTICAL COMPANY that the OLDER EX-COP does.

MAX PAYNE: "What can you tell me about the people who worked with my DEAD WIFE?"
OLDER EX-COP: "Don't you have a habit of beating the shit out of people while asking questions?"
MAX PAYNE: "Maaaaybe."
OLDER EX-COP: "Doesn't that often create large problems?"
MAX PAYNE: "Maaaaybe."
OLDER EX-COP: "OK, good to know. Here's how to find your DEAD WIFE'S FORMER MANAGER."

INTERIOR, OFFICE OF MAX PAYNE'S DEAD WIFE'S FORMER MANAGER:
MAX PAYNE: "Hi there."
MANAGER: "Oh. Hey. What are you doing in my office?"
MAX PAYNE: (LOCKING OFFICE DOOR FROM THE INSIDE): "Just had a few questions."
MANAGER: "Oh. I almost didn't recognize you without your DEAD WIFE."
MAX PAYNE: "So what was my DEAD WIFE working on at this EVIL PHARMACEUTICAL COMPANY?"
MANAGER: "Um.... Er... Nothing special?"
MANAGER: "Don't you have a reputation for beating the shit out of people when asking them questions?"
MAX PAYNE: "Oh, right." (PROCEEDS TO BEAT SHIT OUT OF MANAGER)
MANAGER: "Ow. Ok. Those blows to the face with the butt of your gun seem to have jogged my memory. Your DEAD WIFE was working on a drug to turn soldiers into SUPER SOLDIERS, but unfortunately it was HIGHLY ADDICTIVE and had EVIL SIDE EFFECTS, like seeing WINGED DEMONS. Go figure."
MANAGER: "Here, take this folder full of information about our EVIL PROJECT."
MANAGER: "Actually, instead of beating the shit out of me, can you protect me from the EVIL PHARMACEUTICAL COMPANY I work for? I think they might be after me for squealing to you."
MAX PAYNE: "Already?"
MANAGER: "Well, they are EVIL and have EVERY PHONE LINE tapped."
MAX PAYNE: "But you weren't talking to me over the phone!"
MANAGER: "Didn't you read the script?! The EVIL SWAT TEAM is only moments away! Get me outta here!"

MAX PAYNE proceeds to walk his DEAD WIFE'S FORMER MANAGER out of the office at gunpoint and out onto a floor full of INNOCENT EMPLOYEES.

INNOCENT EMPLOYEES: "SCREAM!!"
INNOCENT EMPLOYEE ONE: "It's a pity none of us are criminals, then we might have guns we could defend ourselves with!"
INNOCENT EMPLOYEE TWO: "I'm sure the police will help!"

The EVIL SWAT TEAM bursts through the outer doorway, full auto machine guns drawn. One of them SHOOTS MAX PAYNE'S DEAD WIFE'S FORMER MANAGER right in the chest with NO PROVOCATION. MAX PAYNE SHOOTS BACK. The EVIL SWAT TEAM sees MAX PAYNE behind a crowd of INNOCENT EMPLOYEES. They SHRUG and fire at full auto right THROUGH the crowd of INNOCENT EMPLOYEES at MAX PAYNE. A GIANT GUN BATTLE ENSUES, THOUSANDS OF ROUNDS are FIRED and NO ONE ever has to RELOAD. MAX PAYNE escapes unscathed.

EVIL SWAT TEAM MEMBER ONE: "Damn, all those rounds and we didn't hit him once! Just all these stupid INNOCENT EMPLOYEES. These are the most useless bullets EVER!"
EVIL SWAT TEAM MEMBER TWO: "We should find out what sort of bullets MAX PAYNE uses. He killed half of our entire team!"
EVIL SWAT TEAM MEMBER THREE: "They're probably hard-boiled in some fashion."
EVIL SWAT TEAM MEMBER ONE: "Wouldn't boiling bullets in water ruin them?"
EVIL SWAT TEAM MEMBER THREE: (SLAPS FOREHEAD)

MAX PAYNE looks over the folder of information on the EVIL PROJECT and finds out that one of the soldiers used as test subjects SURVIVED the process and became a TOTAL BAD-ASS and went on to turn the EVIL DRUG into an EVIL STREET DRUG and sell it to INCREASE the BOTTOM LINE of the EVIL PHARMACEUTICAL COMPANY. MAX PAYNE tracks him down to his EVIL DEN OF DRUGS, and he proceeds to SHOOT EVIL SOLDIERS / DRUG DEALERS dead LEFT and RIGHT. Finally, he makes his way to the end of the level... Er... Top of the building and meets the BOSS... Er... TOTAL BAD-ASS. They STRUGGLE and it looks like the TOTAL BAD-ASS might be winning. SUDDENLY the OLDER EX-COP bursts in the door and SHOOTS the TOTAL BAD-ASS dead with a single round.

MAX PAYNE: "How did you get here? WTF is going on?"
OLDER EX-COP: "I'll explain outside."
MAX PAYNE: "Why is your partner trailing behind me with a blackjack?"
EVIL PARTNER: "THWACK."
OLDER EX-COP (LOOKING AT MAX PAYNE KNOCKED OUT ON THE FLOOR): "Because we're actually evil, duh. Do you actually thing *good* people work for EVIL PHARMACEUTICAL COMPANIES?"
EVIL PARTNER: "Shoot him in the head now?"
OLDER EX-COP: "No, that's too hard to escape from."
EVIL PARTNER: "What?"
OLDER EX-COP: "I said, 'Let's take him to the frozen lake, throw some drugs in his pockets and toss him in, making it look like a suicide'."
EVIL PARTNER: "Ah, just like when we did honest police work."

They show up at the mostly frozen lake. SNOW is blowing EVERYWHERE.

OLDER EX-COP: "Ah, now that you're awake, we can toss you in."
EVIL PARTNER: "Why did we wait for him to wake up?!"
OLDER EX-COP: "So I can monologue, duh."
EVIL PARTNER: "Ohhh, right."
OLDER EX-COP: "Max, BTW, I was the third killer in the house. I strangled your wife. It was FUN. How do you feel about that?"
MAX PAYNE: "I think you're forgetting one thing."
OLDER EX-COP: "What? We both have guns pointed at you and you're hand-cuffed."
EVIL PARTNER: "Yeah. Guns."
MAX PAYNE: "I've got BULLET TIME though."
OLDER EX-COP: "What?"
EVIL PARTNER: "What?"

MAX PAYNE moves with AMAZING SPEED and KNOCKS the OLDER EX-COP over and eludes them by diving into the FREEZING LAKE.

OLDER EX-COP: "Eh, I'm sure that'll kill him."
EVIL PARTNER: "Couldn't he get away with just a mild case of hypothermia?"
EVIL PARTNER: "And didn't you just confess to strangling his wife and loving every moment of it?"
EVIL PARTNER: "Are you *sure* that won't give him a large incentive to stay alive exact his revenge on you?"
OLDER EX-COP: "I'm sure it'll kill him."
EVIL PARTNER: "Good enough for me!"

MAX PAYNE swims through the FROZEN LAKE and makes his way ashore, only to find himself with a MILD CASE OF HYPOTHERMIA. SHIVERING, he notices the drugs in his pocket.

MAX PAYNE: "Maybe this will warm me up."

MAX PAYNE swallows the liquid BLUE DRUG from the vials and LEVELS UP, er... Becomes a TOTAL BAD-ASS. He ALSO starts to see WINGED DEMONS everywhere. It's PRETTY FUCKING COOL. He makes his way to the EVIL PHARMACEUTICAL COMPANY and SHOOTS the FUCK out of EVERYTHING as he chases after the OLDER EX-COP and his EVIL PARTNER. The EVIL PARTNER rigs the building with C4 EXPLOSIVES to keep MAX PAYNE from following them to the HELICOPTER PAD. He DETONATES the EXPLOSIVES and the resulting EXPLOSION looks like a FIERY VISION OF ARMAGEDDON to MAX PAYNE. It ALSO looks PRETTY FUCKING COOL. MAX PAYNE manages to make it to the end of the level, er... HELICOPTER PAD.

OLDER EX-COP: "Er... Max... Ummm..."
MAX PAYNE: "BLAM!!"

The movie ENDS. Credits SCROLL with lots of COOL gun animations. There is a LARGE amount of stunt people listed. After the credits, there is a SHORT SCENE that I won't SPOIL.